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Nope, it's fine. The repetition and sentence structure give it a dreamy feel, which I think is exactly what you want for that moment. "The" is fairly invisible here. (P.S. You had "Eri kissed his ...
Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T12:00:18Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/8895 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T03:04:55Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/8895 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
Nope, it's fine. The repetition and sentence structure give it a dreamy feel, which I think is exactly what you want for that moment. "The" is fairly invisible here. (P.S. You had "Eri kissed _his_ dad," and I think it's one of your other characters who is transgender, not this one.)
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2013-09-13T10:25:23Z (about 11 years ago)
Original score: 6