Is my writing 'disjointed', and if so how can I fix it?
First page of my fantasy novel. I'm told my writing is disjointed and jerky, but have no idea in what way! And it's driving me crazy that I don't know where the holes in my boat are so I can't really patch them.
This was a stupid idea. Heh, like all his others. His foes could have tailed and moreover, he was lost. The Far Moon rose and found Ruso scrabbling over the briars, his bow slung over a shoulder. Through a stream he splashed, chasing the wind, whilst the air blew acrid and his hearthsoul tipped. Ever so faintly the land drifted, groaning. It sped him onward until it calmed again, whereupon he searched for the tallest hill. Zaithe paced visibly atop it. She seemed taut and fidgety. Not such a menacing mercenary anymore, eh? Now that the darkness had receded, she no longer blended into the murk; her skin was a deeper brown than his hair, her tunic darker still. Belted at her waist were those assassin pouches. They could save a life, or take one.
It was with some care that Ruso approached. “Found the gem, mate,” he recited.
“No, you didn’t.”
He thanked his luck fairy—it was safe—and climbed over a fallen pine, landing with a scuff. There were few leaves here and a chill nipped the breeze. It meant that the warp must have been south- or westward. Ruso tried to envision which of the three wheels this would involve as he asked, “You got my map?”
“No, curse them gods.”
“Curse your own gods,” he said.
“What do you care. They dumped us anyway.” The mercenary’s breath fogged. She halted to glare at him and he fixed her with one of Echeris’s flat, grey stares. Then she said, “Why weren’t you on vigil?”
EDIT: I changed the first paragraph, hope it's less confusing and the narrative doesn't switch.
This was a stupid idea. Heh, like all his others. His foes could have followed and moreover, he was lost. The Far Moon had set and Ruso was still scrabbling through the darkness, thorns hooking him back, tripping him. He clambered up again and doffed his rabbithide shawl, tightening it around his waist for protection. It snagged on the briars as he scrambled. He was headed downwind towards the warp, until finally the air became sour and torrid.
Then the land groaned, shifting, and sped him along with it.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/10281. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
1 answer
To start with, you have too many invented terms without definition all in a row. Hearthsoul, assassin pouches, luck fairy?
You also have enough mistakes that I really can't tell if some of these things are typos or more jargon. His enemies tailed? The land drifted? What does that even mean?
You "recite" something which is repeated or often said; it's not just a synonym for speaking.
The narrative voice goes back and forth from almost a prose of his thoughts to standard third-person omniscient. Pick one.
He fixed her with whose stare? That's incoherent.
There's in medias res and there's WTF is going on. You aren't setting the scene enough for us to understand what's happening.
In short, slow down, explain more, and quit trying to impress us with your cool world-building until we care about these people.
ETA You want more? okay...
This was a stupid idea. Heh, like all his others.
the "heh" indicates that you're narrating his thoughts. Either do all the narrative text like this or none of the narrative text like this. You can't have it both ways. It's like switching to first person in the middle of a paragraph, just for one sentence.
He was headed downwind towards the warp,
A new undefined term. You did much better in your revised para, but we still don't know what this is. Geographical feature? Building? Weaving item? Part of the Enterprise?
until finally the air became sour and torrid.
"Torrid" means "passionate." Unless you're describing how the air is filled with pheromones which cause every living thing breathing it to suddenly start humping whatever's nearest (which would be a very different kind of story), this is not what you want.
Then the land groaned, shifting, and sped him along with it.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
Land does not move. You don't indicate that it's an earthquake; the protagonist acts like he just stepped onto an escalator. You are introducing a HUGE world-building element here — that the land is capable of motion — and you ignore it. You don't have to explain it, but you do have to give us enough context and detail that we understand that you meant to do this, that it's a natural part of this planet/dimension/etc., and what the planet, flora, fauna, architecture, transit, society, government, and characters have done to adapt to "ground that doesn't stay put." I could go on for a page and half about why this is such a big fat hairy deal.
“Found the gem, mate,” he recited.
You explain in the comments that this is their passphrase. You do not indicate in the text that this is their passphrase. If it's a call-and-response, then you have to show one or both characters treating it as a passphrase.
He thanked his luck fairy—it was safe
Not only is this an undefined term, you have an ambiguous pronoun. Is he literally saying a word of gratitude to a sprite? Is s/he in his pocket? What is "it" that he's grateful for? Is he thanking the fairy, and then also grateful that the fairy is safe? Is he thanking the fairy that the gem is safe? Thanking the fairy that Zaithe, who is later a "she," is safe?
It meant that the warp must have been south- or westward.
So the land warped in this direction? I finally got that after the eighth or ninth read. I previously thought this might have meant the wind.
Ruso tried to envision which of the three wheels this would involve
If this means "wheels under the planet's surface moving the ground around," I will at least buy it for now. The previous eight times I read this as some kind of religious gibberish like "the wheel turns, and sometimes you end up on top and sometimes you end up on the bottom."
He fixed her with one of Echeris’s flat, grey stares.
Is this supposed to imply that he's looking at her the way, what, their old shared teacher or commander used to do? Because otherwise he's literally borrowing someone else's face to look at her, which is incoherent.
There's a chance that this works in a longer excerpt, but broadly, you are throwing too many terms at the reader which are invented and out of context, and expecting us to not just catch up but already understand and follow along.
Additionally, because you have mechanical errors, our attempts to divine meaning and context from what do you give us are thwarted because we can't understand what we can read.
0 comment threads
0 comment threads