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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/20317
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

 **How do we write something to inspire a person which corrects the mistakes they've made until now, but without making them feel like they're getting mocked from the recipient's perspective?**

I was trying to write a text to a person younger to me in order to inspire him. Something just doesn't feel right in this paragraph. It doesn't evoke any positive feeling such as hope or inspiration from it. It appears kinda over-bearing and in part hurtful albeit being true. How can I improve and convey the same thing in an inspiring way?

> First and foremost, you should get a life. What I mean is that you should go do something for yourself - Pursue your interest, engage in your hobbies. What I see most of your time is spent chatting with friends. A complete waste of time. Just imagine number of people you talk to, in a single day. How many of them actually care about you? Yes, it feels good to share about your life with friends. I love that too. Everybody does. But I generally do not discuss it with people who don't care about me. You do. Whoever you see in front of you, you'll start sharing all your life information with the guy. I suggest you put effort into studies, extra curriculum and sports. If you have these things, it'd be fun to talk to people instead of just goofing around with them. If you genuinely do not love yourself, you'll never become an interesting person and people would never learn to love or respect you. You still have time. You can still do so much. For starters, you could improve your writing skills. You want to become a writer, right? Start by writing 'Okay' instead of the lousy text 'Ohk'. If someone doesn't care about you, remove that person from your life. Till now you're just exhausting yourself by giving and giving and not getting anything in return. Do you really want such a life? I just wish to see you at your best.

This question is not just about this paragraph. In an attempt to identify and correct my way of writing an inspiring article, I have taken this paragraph as an example which would more or less give you an insight of my writing in general. I suspect I am committing some basic mistakes common in people who have just started writing such articles. In what ways can I improve it? (I do understand the English can be improved, but I'm more interested in having the desired impact on the recipient.)

Original score: 1