Post History

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/31732
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I believe it is a time-honored tradition, in fiction, to bend rules for a literary effect. I'm printing a short story for my critique group tonight. One critique-er is a very by-the-book kind of person, who gives formulaic advice. This is incredibly helpful, because there are details I routinely gloss over that come to my attention as a result of that feedback. And, obviously I am learning to view my work more critically as a result, because I am now here, asking this question.

**Question:** Is it valid to use sentence fragments (or run on sentences) in fiction, to add to the emotional experience? A sense of immediacy, pounding, heart thumping, racing action? Here is an excerpt, to give you an example. It has a sentence fragment (first bolded example) and at least one run-on sentence (last bolded example.):

> The younger one was in her face now, wedging her left eye wide open. _No! No, no, no!!_ “No!!” she screamed. She tried to turn her head sideways, tried to squint her eyes shut, but this one was strong too - and her eye was forced open. **Then a blinding light, like both suns at midday, straight into her left eye.** He was looking through the device, then an expulsion of gas, and everything in the left side of her skull was contracting, pulling, all at once. _No! They know!_ “Help!!” She struggled all the harder, adrenaline coursing, giving her extra strength, the pain in her shoulder forgotten.
> 
> “God!” said the younger man, his face lit with pleasure.
> 
> The older one laughed. “That’s a good sign! The other eye, quick!”
> 
> **Then her right eye, the same violation, the same expulsion, the same involuntary, brutal contraction.** She thought her skull would crack from it. _No! I’m not a degenerate!_ She screamed, “_You_ are the abominations!” kicking, struggling, her left arm dangling like a rag doll. **The one holding her pulled himself back and barreled his knee into her, with a force like a battering ram, straight into the small of her back, it felt like it would go straight through her.** Howling again, she lost feeling in her legs. He dropped her, and she fell.

I believe the answer may be a simple yes, rules are meant to be broken and communicating urgency is a good reason for it! But perhaps there are nuanced guidelines on this, and having any feedback ahead of group may help with our discussions tonight.

Original score: 5