Describing sex in a non-erotic fiction

In general, sex is a very repetitive act, and describing the sexual action is as difficult to do as any repetitive action, like a character digging a hole for an hour, or a character searching through dozens of reference books without any result for an afternoon.

For all of these repetitive acts, the way we show them cinematically (in print or on film) is to show emotional turning points. The man digging a hole starts the hole. Cut to hlfway through, he has to rest, and looks tired and frustrated, but then jumps back in the hole and starts digging again. Cut to the man throwing the shovel out of the hole, climbing out, exhausted. He walks to his pick-up truck, and drags a body-sized bag out of the truck, carries it to the hole and throws it in. He picks up the shovel. Cut to the man throwing the shovel into the back of his pick-up truck, and opening the driver's side door.

The same with searching through references books. They start. Cut to them rubbing their eyes and stretching, perhaps a conversation, the stronger person convincing the weaker one to keep reading. Cut to discovery and excitement. Done.

You want to apply the same idea to sex scenes; but in a book, focus on emotions and thoughts and the moments where they change phase. The mechanics of the sex are not nearly as important as what is happening in the POV character's head, and how she feels about it, what she wants, what she fears (even in consensual sex), what she is thinking, what she and her partner is saying.

Sex is about as intimate a setting as you can get, your characters are literally naked (usually). It is a natural setting for character development and reveals of a true self, true thoughts and feelings and desires.

Is this sport sex? Love sex? Dutiful sex? Vengeful sex? Sex for money? Sex to relieve boredom? Manipulative sex to get her way, or because she is a spy corrupting another person? All of these are different and imply different mind sets, thoughts, and feelings.

The question is about non-erotic fiction, but sex especially, IRL, is often what seals or breaks the deal on romantic interest. That's human nature, both partners want to be with someone they enjoy having sex with. Not enjoying the sexual component of the relationship, at least early in a relationship, is a reason to break up.

So how much of the sex should be shown?

I don't bother with sex scenes if they aren't going to change anything.

I give the 10,000 foot overview, a few paragraphs, if the sex is only important for the reader to know it has happened; e.g. that Cindy does have a sex life with her boyfriend, but if the sex in question is routine and doesn't change her mind about anything, then I see no reason to show it, it has no impact on the plot or how Cindy feels or thinks about anything.

I go into greater detail on first-time sex, because I only write that when it IS plot or character changing. Both first-time in life (losing virginity) or first-time with another character, or first-time for some other reason. e.g. first orgasmic sex, first casual sex, etc, something that makes my character feel different about herself or another character, or is actually a plot point. And often, first-time in the book, especially to establish something about a character that will change. For example, the character may have sex for sport, but eventually in the story will have sex in love and find that very different. The reader needs to understand the difference.

Within the sex scene, I focus on the points where it is natural for character feelings to change (say from lust to love), for truth to be revealed, or to develop a new side of a character -- say she is more aggressive in bed than we have seen her elsewhere, or vice versa. Also, I skip the repetitive parts, and focus on the turning points in the form of dialogue, thoughts and emotions. Like most writers I don't try to describe the details of sexual sensations or orgasms. For me, in writing, sex is in the mind and emotions.

posted almost 6 years ago

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Amadeus‭

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Let me start with an example, a famous one:

Then there was the smell of heather crushed and the roughness of the bent stalks under her head and the sun bright on her closed eyes and all his life he would remember the curve of her throat with her head pushed back into the heather roots and her lips that moved smally and by themselves and the fluttering of the lashes on the eyes tight closed against the sun and against everything, and for her everything was red, orange, gold-red from the sun on the closed eyes, and it all was that color, all of it, the filling, the possessing, the having, all of that color, all in a blindness of that color. For him it was a dark passage which led to nowhere, then to nowhere, then again to nowhere, once again to nowhere, always and forever to nowhere, heavy on the elbows in the earth to nowhere, dark, never any end to nowhere, hung on all time always to unknowing nowhere, this time and again for always to nowhere, now not to be borne once again always and to nowhere, now beyond all bearing up, up, up, and into nowhere, suddenly, scaldingly, holdingly all nowhere gone and time absolutely still and they were both there, time having stopped and he felt the earth move out and away from under them. (Ernest Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls, chapter 13)

Is it explicit? Yes and no. There is no anatomy here, except for elbows on the earth and eyes closed against the sun. At the same time, we are there throughout. The repetitiveness that @Amadeus mentions, the build-up, the climax. Nothing is skipped. We are given all of the experience of sex, with none of the physical details. You could say we are so much in the moment, that we're not observing it from outside any more - almost, we are experiencing it. In this way, it is not erotic, but it is breathtaking.

Could this scene be skipped? No. It wasn't "just" sex. The earth moved for the characters. They are changed by the experience.

Which brings me to the answer to your question: if a particular sexual encounter is important to who the characters are and how they act, if it changes them or their relationship, if "the earth moves for them", you can't have that happen off-screen. If nothing of importance happens during the sex, if everything of interest is resolved before, if it's only important that it happens, but not what exactly happens or how, the sex is gratuitous and you can skip it. @ArcanistLupus provides excellent examples.

If there's nothing you want to write about during sex, you can skip to the day after, or a shorter skip - to the talk in bed after.

If the sex is important, you don't have to be anatomically explicit. In fact, you probably want to avoid both IKEA erotica and Mills and Boon prose. (The first involves inserting tag A into slot B. The second - giant spears and holy mounds) @Amadeus is right: especially if you're not comfortable writing about the subject, focus more on thoughts and emotions than on organs. If you think about it, it's how the characters feel during/after/because of the sex that's important anyway - not which bits went where. If bits are shown, they should serve to show that - they're not an end in and of themselves. This is not erotica you're writing.

Which is not to say you can't be more explicit. You can, if you like. It's just that your question gives the impression that you'd rather not be.

posted almost 6 years ago

CC BY-SA 4.0

Galastel‭

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