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What strikes me is the lack of detail. I'm having trouble picturing the scene with what's given. There's more to a scene than just action. A character who's in danger shouldn't notice much besides...
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#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-14T20:45:27Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/44894 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T11:48:02Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/44894 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
What strikes me is the lack of detail. I'm having trouble picturing the scene with what's given. There's more to a scene than just action. A character who's in danger shouldn't notice much besides the threat - you have the right idea there. But even then, there are other details he should notice - both about the threat itself and how he can deal with it. Here are some things you may want to consider for this scene: Someone is shooting at your character. Where are the shots coming from? What are their numbers? Are they using modern weapons, or some sort of futuristic ray guns? Is your character the only survivor, or are there others fleeing for their lives? Is your character armed and/or armored? If so, what sort of equipment does he have? You mention almost nothing about the setting. How widespread is the fighting? How badly damaged is the city? Does your character need to worry about collapsing buildings? Are there piles of rubble lying about that he can use for cover? What do his last 300 meters look like?
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2019-05-01T14:45:10Z (about 5 years ago)
Original score: 2