Is there something "wrong" with my writing? How do I improve it? [closed]
Closed by System on May 1, 2019 at 20:53
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So I usually use stackexchange as a last resort, but I'm completely stumped. If this question is inappropriate here, I will gladly delete it.
None of my teachers say that anything is wrong with my writing, but I suspect it's because I'm still young. I feel that my writing is incredibly... off? I feel that I try too hard to be "profound" and use "too many" rhetorical techniques to the point where it sounds... staccato, but NOBODY has mentioned it. I can't seem to change this, especially when writing emotions. I can write pretty fluidly, with non-fiction/persuasive projects, but anything else I fail miserably at. Just my ADHD, or indicative of a bigger (changeable) problem?
I think that my writing style comes from "gritty" video games and war movies, but not from actual books, so could that be my problem? I read a lot of course, but nothing like what I write.
Here's an example. I never finish writing ANYTHING, but I always have the concept down.
This is after a journal entry, with the main character being completely oblivious to what's about to happen. It's supposed to shift the mood quickly.
Fire.
Hellfire.
The concrete melts below me.
The bodies sink. The smell of rot fills the city.
Six men get up, skin charred black. Determined to fight.
Six men die, peppered with bullets. Cut to ribbons.
I run, and take cover under their bodies.
It works.
Only 300 meters to go.
I think this part is sort of satisfactory, but I obviously can't keep up this style for the next 300 meters. I took some inspiration from the Saving Private Ryan screenplay, which I think also limits me. It's my all-time favorite movie, but I think it's ruined my writing style.
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What strikes me is the lack of detail. I'm having trouble picturing the scene with what's given. There's more to a scene than just action.
A character who's in danger shouldn't notice much besides the threat - you have the right idea there. But even then, there are other details he should notice - both about the threat itself and how he can deal with it.
Here are some things you may want to consider for this scene: Someone is shooting at your character. Where are the shots coming from? What are their numbers? Are they using modern weapons, or some sort of futuristic ray guns? Is your character the only survivor, or are there others fleeing for their lives? Is your character armed and/or armored? If so, what sort of equipment does he have?
You mention almost nothing about the setting. How widespread is the fighting? How badly damaged is the city? Does your character need to worry about collapsing buildings? Are there piles of rubble lying about that he can use for cover? What do his last 300 meters look like?
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Got to be honest with you. I hate it.
It is choppy. Disjointed. fragmented.
Unless you are describing a first person reaction scene where the hero was just hit by the blast wave of a mortar shell.......
even then you shouldn't sustain it for more than half a page.
from your normal voice post, it is very obvious that you can do much better than that faux artistic style in the writing sample.
As to how you might improve it...
Stop trying to be whatever it is you are trying to be..
Be yourself. Don't force this phony (gritty.. video game) style on yourself... Write ... and let your style develop organically.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/44892. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
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