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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/47481
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/47481
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Related writing.SE literature:

- [Effective techniques for describing pain](https://writing.stackexchange.com/questions/7460/effective-techniques-for-describing-pain)

- [How to describe pain in first person?](https://writing.stackexchange.com/questions/19794/how-to-describe-pain-in-first-person/)

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We can break down the problem into separate components.

# The style

Increasing the pace of the sentences is a great idea to convey immediacy. Breaking paragraphs more frequently is another way to accelerate too. This increasing of pace should come in steps, and increase to the point where either it all goes away, or the character passes out. Gradually switch to shorter words and shorter verbs. To a degree, choose pace over correctness. For instance:

- _All spins_, instead of _everything is spinning_
- _Feet run past_ instead of _there are feet running past him_

In this sense, making words harder to read works against you. Glueing together words in the attempt to furtherincreasethepace will actually slow down your reader and thus it is counterproductive.

Also, note that in a sensory overload scene you should have already switched the entire focus on the sensations of this particular character. There is no need to remind the reader that "he" is at the center of the narration for the time being.

On top of this, alternating a 3rd POV narration with the direct thoughts of the character may further help showing confusion:

> He curls. Stop! Stop, please. The feet are unforgiving. He braces, frozen by the fear flowing in their hearts. Stop! Stop this pain!

# The content

Focus on the narration. Keep it to the point. Show the reader the increasing sense of loss and confusion. Subvert the obvious points of reference to create confusion in the reader:

> The floor comes to him, smashing into his face.

Consider for instance that sensory overload may also imply sensory confusion, and this in turn may generate hallucinations. You could show some amount of hallucinations.

> A bell rings. Two bells. Ten. An infinity, all ringing. Loud like bees. Buzzing in the ringing bells. Buzzing in the ears. In the nostrils. In the throat. Choking, slashing, stinging.

Also, consider abstracting the images of pain in quick repetitions of the same image. This provides the impression that the pain is increasing and even transcending.

> An avalanche of feet. Crushing heels. Stomping hoofs. The bulls are fleeing in fright and he has nowhere to hide.

A final note, one swear-word may communicate immediacy, but a series of them is just a filler without any content. They do not say much in a narration, and just make the text look longer when you need it to keep it quick-paced.

> Fuck, he screams. His molten lips won't divide. He shouts. His shrieking teeth are cracking. His throat full with bees. Buzzing. Ringing as inside a bell.

Original score: 2