Related writing.SE literature:

• Effective techniques for describing pain

• How to describe pain in first person?

We can break down the problem into separate components.

The style

Increasing the pace of the sentences is a great idea to convey immediacy. Breaking paragraphs more frequently is another way to accelerate too. This increasing of pace should come in steps, and increase to the point where either it all goes away, or the character passes out. Gradually switch to shorter words and shorter verbs. To a degree, choose pace over correctness. For instance:

• All spins, instead of everything is spinning
• Feet run past instead of there are feet running past him

In this sense, making words harder to read works against you. Glueing together words in the attempt to furtherincreasethepace will actually slow down your reader and thus it is counterproductive.

Also, note that in a sensory overload scene you should have already switched the entire focus on the sensations of this particular character. There is no need to remind the reader that "he" is at the center of the narration for the time being.

On top of this, alternating a 3rd POV narration with the direct thoughts of the character may further help showing confusion:

He curls. Stop! Stop, please. The feet are unforgiving. He braces, frozen by the fear flowing in their hearts. Stop! Stop this pain!

The content

Focus on the narration. Keep it to the point. Show the reader the increasing sense of loss and confusion. Subvert the obvious points of reference to create confusion in the reader:

The floor comes to him, smashing into his face.

Consider for instance that sensory overload may also imply sensory confusion, and this in turn may generate hallucinations. You could show some amount of hallucinations.

A bell rings. Two bells. Ten. An infinity, all ringing. Loud like bees. Buzzing in the ringing bells. Buzzing in the ears. In the nostrils. In the throat. Choking, slashing, stinging.

Also, consider abstracting the images of pain in quick repetitions of the same image. This provides the impression that the pain is increasing and even transcending.

An avalanche of feet. Crushing heels. Stomping hoofs. The bulls are fleeing in fright and he has nowhere to hide.

A final note, one swear-word may communicate immediacy, but a series of them is just a filler without any content. They do not say much in a narration, and just make the text look longer when you need it to keep it quick-paced.

Fuck, he screams. His molten lips won't divide. He shouts. His shrieking teeth are cracking. His throat full with bees. Buzzing. Ringing as inside a bell.

posted about 5 years ago

CC BY-SA 4.0

_X_‭

420 reputation 20 121 65 1

Here, I wrote this into an answer because what I want to show cannot be written as a comment.

When I first read your post, it had not yet been formatted by Galastel. That's what I was referring to in my first comment. Here, I reproduced it the way I read it:

Without the edit:

Breathe— Breathebreathebreathebreathebreathe FUCK! What—exhale— too bright, too fucking bright—can’t—can’t see— Falling. Falling deep. Falling hard. It hurts. Everything is spinning. What the—what’s hap— Stop—stop, it hurts, fuckfuckfuck—

After the edit:

Breathe—
Breathebreathebreathebreathebreathe
FUCK!
What—exhale— too bright, too fucking bright—can’t—can’t see—
Falling. Falling deep.
Falling hard. It hurts. Everything is spinning. What the—what’s hap—
Stop—stop, it hurts, fuckfuckfuck—

See, both versions have their own qualities, but I liked the first one for the use you wrote you had for it. It felt more visceral. It's a flow, a frenetic verbal assault which conveys it's own intensity. But, on the other hand, it's also quite disorienting - which is also how the character feels, so it's not all bad.

But...

Writing is, in a way, a form of telepathy. It's a mean to share a though from one person to another one, sometimes through a lot of extra steps. The clearer the writing, the better the communication.

Sometimes, a writer may want to sabotage this clarity for a specific reason, a reason often related to feelings. As an example, several authors will play on the meaning of words to add something to their texts, whether it's for the laughs or some non-literal poetry.

In your case, it's not the words which are confusing, but the amalgam they compose. The reader is pulled forward by this frantic writing without beginning nor end.

In controlled dosage, this can be very efficient.

If you overdo it, reading your work becomes laborious instead of exciting. The reader should never have to re-read a passage because it's written in a way which makes it confusing. Then, you get Maldoror, by the Comte de Lautreamont, and as much as it's a work of art, it's still an hard read, not worth the work in many people's opinion.

I found that a way to achieve balance between frantic rushs and readability is to alternate short "inner dialog" bursts with visceral feelings and actions.

One last thing: this is debatable, but I think that a writer shouldn't sacrifice the content for the form. An understandable text always wins over some nice piece of art which, meaningful as it is, doesn't convey it's meaning to the reader.

posted about 5 years ago

CC BY-SA 4.0

laancelot‭

30 reputation 1 3 5 0