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Q&A Confusing writing in order to show how character is falling asleep - is it OK?

I like this idea, actually. I'd straighten it up just a little: She was tired, like a bug crawling and skipping off and on the height of a wall together with something else that wasn’t exactly the...

posted 13y ago by Lauren Ipsum‭  ·  last activity 5y ago by System‭

Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed by user avatar System‭ · 2019-12-13T12:00:05Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/4864
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added by user avatar System‭ · 2019-12-08T02:09:38Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/4864
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision by (deleted user) · 2019-12-08T02:09:38Z (almost 5 years ago)
I like this idea, actually. I'd straighten it up just a little:

_She was tired, like a bug crawling and skipping off and on the height of a wall together with something else that wasn’t exactly the opposite of the sort of idea, sort of laughing but not really meaning it particularly because when it was time to throw the street under the most medium lightning nobody would have to because she wasn't serious, not really._

There's just enough of a thread of an idea which can be followed semi-logically, without becoming entirely gibberish. It's a cool technique. Go for it!

#1: Imported from external source by user avatar System‭ · 2012-01-24T00:48:49Z (almost 13 years ago)
Original score: 10