Confusing writing in order to show how character is falling asleep - is it OK?
Generally, writing something confusing is not good.
On the other hand, a writer should show rather than tell. (Generally.)
What I'm trying to do is imitate the way one's thoughts get all muddled while falling asleep. The settings: Character being hunted by people who are trying to kill her. Now she's hiding, and - after so much time on the run - is falling asleep.
Her drowsy brain tossed at her fake, annoying sounds of questions and requests in voices of people she knew. She wanted to fall asleep and sleep but she couldn’t sleep because she couldn’t fall asleep even though she was very tired. She wanted to giver herself away to her pursuers, to sleep, to death. She was tired, like a brink crawling and skipping off and on the height of a wall together with something else that wasn’t exactly the opposite of the sort of idea that tended to laugh particularly because when it was time to throw the street under the most medium lightning snake nobody would have to.
My question: Is this a valid way to demonstrate what the character is going through, or is it simply too weird and confusing?
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I like this idea, actually. I'd straighten it up just a little:
She was tired, like a bug crawling and skipping off and on the height of a wall together with something else that wasn’t exactly the opposite of the sort of idea, sort of laughing but not really meaning it particularly because when it was time to throw the street under the most medium lightning nobody would have to because she wasn't serious, not really.
There's just enough of a thread of an idea which can be followed semi-logically, without becoming entirely gibberish. It's a cool technique. Go for it!
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You have to be the careful type. I am annoyed with the repetition of something in your excerpt.
"She wanted to fall asleep and sleep but she couldn’t sleep because she couldn’t fall asleep even though she was very tired. " This was very annoying as you have to wrap mind around it. But, I think you should go for idea, nice to try it and see respone from website like this.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/23689. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
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