Post History
You are definitely improving from your previous work. :) Minor fixes: My corrections are in italics; do not add the italics to your story. "No other human presence" makes me wonder: is there a ...
Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T12:00:07Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/5397 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T02:17:28Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/5397 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
You are definitely improving from your previous work. :) Minor fixes: My corrections are in italics; do not add the italics to your story. - "No other human presence" makes me wonder: is there a _non_-human presence? An animal? Something supernatural? - pointing _at_ her glass - then _glanced_ around (the parallel grammar is technically correct, but a native speaker would not make that particular elision there) - "Any drink you want," he said. (_ask for_ is unnecessary) - decided _on_ a black bottle - "Can talk about _something_ which..." Grabbing attention: I am intrigued by the idea that they are alone in the bar, mostly because you highlight "no other human." That's hinting at some kind of supernatural or post-apocalypse setting. Or separately, that they've broken into the bar and shouldn't be there. I'm just interested enough to want to see what your setup is. However, generally speaking, men don't talk about what makes them feel lonely, so you really need to be going somewhere with that for me to accept it.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2012-04-09T16:07:52Z (over 12 years ago)
Original score: 4