Will this opening and dialogue grab the reader's attention? And how can I improve it?
Disclaimer: I'm not an native English speaker
Here is the first part of a short novel I'm writing. For the description I wanted the reader to have an idea of the place first and then let him know that there is people in there (and that they are alone).
The darkness made the bar look bigger than it was. A flickering neon sign was barely illuminating the place. Sitting in the bar, a young man and a girl were having their drinks. There was no other human presence around.
"I think you need a refill," he said, pointing her glass with his.
She looked at it, then around. "I don't see the bartender."
"No problem," he said. "I can mix something for you."
He grabbed her glass, stood up, and walked towards the liquor shelf. Before she could say anything, he was already behind the bar.
"Ask for any drink you want," he said.
She shook her head while smiling at him. "The one you know best."
"Got it." He went through the variety of bottles as if examining animal specimens.
He finally decided for a black bottle.
"Can I talk about a thought that is making me feel lonely?" he asked while searching for a glass. "Hope you don't find it weird."
I would like to know if this will grab the reader's attention. I would also like to know how can I improve it. Thanks in advance!
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/5395. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
1 answer
You are definitely improving from your previous work. :)
Minor fixes: My corrections are in italics; do not add the italics to your story.
- "No other human presence" makes me wonder: is there a non-human presence? An animal? Something supernatural?
- pointing at her glass
- then glanced around (the parallel grammar is technically correct, but a native speaker would not make that particular elision there)
- "Any drink you want," he said. (ask for is unnecessary)
- decided on a black bottle
- "Can talk about something which..."
Grabbing attention: I am intrigued by the idea that they are alone in the bar, mostly because you highlight "no other human." That's hinting at some kind of supernatural or post-apocalypse setting. Or separately, that they've broken into the bar and shouldn't be there. I'm just interested enough to want to see what your setup is.
However, generally speaking, men don't talk about what makes them feel lonely, so you really need to be going somewhere with that for me to accept it.
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