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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/7329
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/7329
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Abuse grammar all you wish! Leave it dead in a ditch if you must to get the rhythm right. Right now the nice imagery is being let down with by the dragging artificiality of the metre.

To see why, just separate all the syllables, and annotate them to show the stresses. There is a formal way to show this, but for the purposes of clarity, I'll just bold-face the stressed ones.

**An** -im-al **skull** took **name** of **dread** ,

O- **bed** -ient to the **God** of **War**.

In **dark** -ness **end** -less, **emp** -ty, **dead** ,

Its **stone** face **scars** un- **count** -ed **tore**.

In **thir** -ty **hours** its **path** is **led**

like **hu** -man's **year** , e- **ter** -nal **chore**.

First of all it's quadrameter - four stresses to the line. This is a very hard meter to pull off. It very easily sounds like doggerel, especially if the feet are mostly iambs (as they are here).

The second line clangs horribly - it's as if you want 'to' to be a stressed syllable. But it isn't - not in natural English. That is the one that mostly badly needs rephrasing.

You might also look at the word order and see if you really need to have the words in which you're placing them. For instance, rather than 'in darkness endless, empty, dead' you could say 'in endless darkness - empty, dead - ' which feels more natural.

I do like it though! I only critique if it's worth it. I'm curious to know what the answer is - one of the planets, I imagine?

Original score: 6