Improving the flow/rhythm of the following comparison
I smiled and gave her a nod. I was beginning to like her more, plus I realized we had some things in common. Like our attempts of suicide. The difference was striking, of course. Kate’s problem had been physical, whereas mine had been psychological. Kate had been motivated by an excess of sensations, whereas for me had been a lack of them.
Or should I write instead:
I smiled and gave her a nod. I was beginning to like her more, plus I realized we had some things in common. Like our attempts of suicide. The difference was striking, of course. Whereas Kate’s problem had been physical, mine had been psychological. Whereas Kate had been motivated by an excess of sensations, for me had been a lack of them.
There's something awkward about the wording, but I can't pinpoint what it is.
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1 answer
It's "whereas." It's a formal and slightly clunky word. Plus you're using the exact same sentence structure twice in a row, but only twice. Once is fine, and three times is an effect, but two looks like a mistake.
Kate’s problem had been physical, but mine had been psychological. She had been motivated by an excess of sensations. My problem was a lack of them.
ETA Off Paul's excellent comment, here's a better version:
Kate’s problem had been physical, but mine had been psychological. She suffered from an excess of sensations. I lacked them altogether.
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