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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/16803
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I recently started translating a book from Turkish into English, but I'm not sure how translations are usually carried out. So, for instance, if I encounter a sentence which sounds good in Turkish but (a little) awkward in English (though still grammatically correct)...am I allowed to change the sentence in a way which preserves the meaning? Or should I translate it (almost) word by word and change it _only_ when there is a loss of meaning or some grammatical error? I will give some examples below to clarify my point,

**Example 1**

"Indeed, if you were to observe that a single man came, drove all the city inhabitants to someplace, and forced them to work on [certain] tasks; you would be certain that the man is not acting in his own name. Perhaps he is a soldier. He acts in the name of the government. He depends on the power of a monarch."

I personally feel that it would be better if I combined the last two sentences.

"Indeed, if you were to observe that a single man came, drove all the city inhabitants to someplace, and forced them to work on [certain] tasks; you would be certain that the man is not acting in his own name. Perhaps he is a soldier. He acts in the name of the government and depends on the power of a monarch."

So am I allowed to combine two sentences which are separate in the original Turkish version. Or should I just translate it as it is?

**Example 2**

"Oh my proud soul! You are the traveler. This world, on the other hand, is a desert. Your impotence and poverty are boundless. [While] Your enemies and needs are endless. As this is the case, take the name of the Pre-eternal Owner and the Post-Eternal Ruler of this desert, [and thus] be saved from begging the universe and trembling before every event."

I thought it would sound a little awkward to say "Your impotence and poverty are boundless. Your enemies and needs are endless" So I added the word "[While]" in there. But then it seems like it would be better if I combined those two sentences into one: "Your impotence and poverty are boundless, while your enemies and needs are endless."

What should I do in this case?

**Edit** : To clarify the audience and the content...this book is the work of a prominent scholar in Islam.

Original score: 3