How to make stock death speech great again?
So, Character d is dying, he got shot in the side with a Pulse Rifle. This is very bad, as Pulse Rifles are in the laser category and their mode of operation is to focus the most energy on the smallest possible spot, causing it to explode. The pulse ends before d's brain could even register what happened. After a second, he collapses on the ground. The situation is really bad, as the weapon's effect is mainly kinetic, the wound is not cauterized, and there is no bullet inside it to even slightly stem the bleeding. Character c rushes over to him and tries to close the wound, but d already lost too much blood, he can barely whimper, and even that is incoherent. C is busy trying to save d's life and only picks up a few words from him: "...I'm so cold, p-please... I don't, I don't want to go.."
DAAAMN! A sad moment where we can truly feel sad for a background character, BUT CHEESE STILL REARS UP ITS UGLY HEAD TO RUIN IT!
Some exposition: This series aims to be realistic, and you can't, and never will be able to give a deep, philosophical speech when your brain is struggling to get oxygen. What happened to d is called circulatory shock, a positive feedback loop, in which the circulatory system experiences a sudden drop in blood pressure, and tries to compensate it by dilating arteries, increasing the blood flow, i.e: d is now losing blood more rapidly.
Cold is one of the common sign of shock, so d complaining about it is perfectly rational. But the "I'm so cold" stock-death phrase is on the verge of becoming narm, which is not a good thing.
How can I use these types of phrases, without falling into either narm or Sturgeon's law?
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/31941. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
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As you said yourself, that kind of cliched dying monologue just isn't taken seriously anymore. I can't even take the big dramatic slow-motion "NOOOOOOO"s seriously anymore (see: Wonder Woman). So if you really want to have a character say something like "I'm so cold... I don't want to go...", then play the scene for laughs.
They are two ways to go about this, and I have an example of each:
a) The character isn't actually dying, but they think they are. Example: the climax of Megamind, after Minion is injured by the antagonist. He launches into a long, cliched death speech... and Megamind just rolls his eyes and tosses him into a nearby fountain, where he immediately recovers (for context, Minion is basically a talking fish).
b) The character isn't actually dying, but they're trying to convince someone else that they are. Example: a scene in the film Over the Hedge where Ozzy the possum is (not quite) hit by a car. He proceeds to "play dead", which consists of staggering around in front of the car for a good thirty seconds, rattling off every "dying speech" cliche you can think of, ending with a final gasp of "Rose... bud..." before collapsing.
If you want to use stock death speech, but play it completely straight, then my only advice is "Don't". IMO, people are going to laugh at that kind of hackneyed dialogue no matter what you do, so it's better to make sure they're at least laughing with you, not at you.
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"...I'm so cold, p-please... I don't, I don't want to go.." is a stock phrase because anyone could say it, so everybody does. Instead, make it personal. Make the character say something that only they would say.
Weave in something from their past. Maybe they are remembering how they almost froze to death that one time in Siberia and now, feeling cold, hallucinate that they are there again.
Let them say something that shows their character. The above phrase doesn't really reveal anything about the person saying it.
Let them talk about concerns or worries that are very specific to them ("Who's gonna feed my tarantula? Nobody else knows how she likes to be stroked...") or about very individual goals that they wanted to achieve ("This... this can't be how I die... I was going to fight in the zombie apocalypse!").
By reading their last words a reader should be able to guess which character is dying. This will also make it easier for the reader to relate to the character in this emotional situation, thus making their death more impactful.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/31944. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
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