Ordinary writing or Prose: how to make it immersive?
As a beginner, I have a frequent problem when writing: I know what I want to write, but I fail to put it in good sentences that reflect my thoughts.
Often, this appears in dialogues when I try to describe the reaction or/and emotions of my characters. It ends up with sentences formed of 'X [did that] and [did that other thing] while Y [has this reaction]...' which doesn't really convey my initial thoughts when I read them afterward. Furthermore, it doesn't flow naturally, and I suspect that I lose the reader's interest really quickly.
To illustrate, imagine Bob in a situation where he did something wrong and is being scolded by his parents Alice and Oscar. I would write the scene like that:
"Look at what you did..."
Bob risked a quick glance. All he could see was Alice's face of pure disappointment and Oscar's frowned brows. The pressure made him instantly look back on the ground with shame, and he stayed silent due to the fear of causing more trouble. Would this gesture have been the right answer for Alice who calmed down a little, it certainly did not please Oscar whose anger exploded.
"I raised a coward ! At least have the decency to face your problems like a man."
The retort hit Bob like a hard stone and he froze -- trying to make himself as little as possible. Why did he always have to put himself in such difficult situations ? He knew what would be the outcome, his parents had warned him many times. Yet, in the end, he couldn't get to be the man his father wished for…
The bitterness made a tear ran down his cheek.
It was too late now — they were going to send him to the mines.
I wrote this example above like any other of my stories, and I think it really showcases my problem. I just spent a significant amount of time writing this, and upon rereading it — it doesn’t sound right. It feels like too much description, too much ‘and then’, and it reminds me that there is someone behind the scene. That is to say, I fail to immerse in my writing and achieve what I intended in the first place…
Therefore, I end up with that simple yet unanswered question:
As an experienced writer, how do you write prose so that the reader gets immersed in your story ? (when I talk about Prose, I'm referring to the sentences whose goal is to describe something or make the link between the key moments of a scene)
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/38285. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
1 answer
Try writing simply, and ignoring time.
You are using too many intensifiers, and hyperbolic ones:
- quick glance
- pure disappointment
- instantly look
- anger exploded
- At least have
- he froze
- as little as possible
- he always have to
You don't trust your reader to read the scene and follow it, you feel like you need to hit them with a hammer to understand "disappointment" by making it absolute, pure, and the worst look of disappointment Bob has ever seen in his life! Well, we don't know what "pure disappointment" looks like, really. How does it differ from anger or sadness? Is she crying?
Why does Oscar's anger have to "explode"?
Also, I think you are too focused on describing the movie, and not the experience of being Bob. You say he wonders why he always puts himself in difficult situations, but asking this question doesn't seem appropriate to the moment. It is also too general, it doesn't inform the reader of anything.
Why DID he? What was he thinking would happen? What was his motivation for making whatever mess he made? How did it go wrong? Give me some information about Bob's internal state, so I understand how he was stupid, or not so stupid but unlucky, or whatever.
The scene attempts to be dramatic but contains no good conflict. You have room for it; you are inside Bob's head, but he is taking a beating without even thinking of fight back. This leaves the scene flat; you need conflict, even if the conflict is internal to Bob and he dare not speak it. In his head he should fight back against Oscar, think of what he wishes he could tell Alice but cannot because Oscar is there.
Also, ignore time. If sentence A is followed by sentence B, then without any other explanation, the reader assumes an action in sentence B is executed after the action in sentence B. And the same for every other sentence, unless you begin a sentence with "He had earlier done XYZ", we presume sentences are presented in chronological order.
Concision: In a short sentence, "He did X, then Y" can save a word over "He did X. He did Y." Also, "He did X, Y, Z and A" is more concise than the alternatives. However, if a sentence runs on for clause after clause, the length can feel too long to the reader. Sentences should END before they reach paragraph length. Don't sacrifice readability for concision, it makes no difference if you were concise but confusing.
Finally, stop putting a space before your punctuation. That is just wrong.
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