How can I revise these sentences to be more correct while still keeping the effect? [closed]
Closed by System on Jun 7, 2012 at 06:29
This question was closed; new answers can no longer be added. Users with the reopen privilege may vote to reopen this question if it has been improved or closed incorrectly.
I have written these two sentences:
Despite her temper, I loved her still.
Or perhaps not despite; perhaps because of.
The second sentence feels grammatically incorrect; how can I revise this to be less awkward-sounding yet still punchy? (The thought continues in the rest of the paragraph, explaining his feelings in more depth; this is the end of one paragraph and the beginning of another.)
Edit: I came back to the paragraph to give context, decided I didn't like the way it flowed into the next sentence, and ended up changing it entirely: "Or perhaps not despite; that would imply I saw it as a flaw." C'est la first editing pass.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/4893. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
1 answer
The second sentence feels grammatically incorrect because it's not a sentence; it's two fragments joined by a semicolon. That doesn't make it wrong, but that's probably why you're reacting that way.
If you want to keep the fragment style, I would tweak it thus:
Or perhaps not despite -- perhaps because of.
I made two changes there. First, I emphasized "because of", since that's the key insight that (I assume) you'll build out in the sentences to follow. The other is that I replaced the semicolon with a dash; a semicolon puts up more of a "barrier" between the clauses (like that one I just used), while a dash is more flexible. In this case the dash suggests a thought sequence, which seems to fit with what you're trying to do. (If you want to suggest a more gradual, contemplative process, instead of a dash you could use an ellipsis -- the first thought "trails off" to be replaced by the second.)
0 comment threads
0 comment threads