Is the opening of this story intriguing, "dark" and smooth? [closed]
Closed by System on Jun 14, 2018 at 20:09
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Disclaimer: I'm not an Native English Speaker.
This is my fifth attempt of writing a short story (the previous ones are set in the same "universe" as this one).
I would like to know if the reader would feel intrigued by this opening. I also wonder if he would feel that it has a "dark" atmosphere.
This is the first time I describe so many things in a story. So I would also like to know if the descriptions are 'flowing' smoothly. If not, how to improve them?
Julian found himself walking along an empty street, only accompanied by the darkness and the fog. They were like omnipresent observers, carefully watching each of his steps. He didn't know where he was heading. In fact, he didn't even know if he wanted to reach a particular destination. After walking for a while, he spotted a light at the distance. It was a long and white, and looked as if it were suspended in the fog. As he was getting closer, the light started to form a shape. It was a big neon sign that said Little Paradise. Soon he realized that he was standing in front of a glass door. Another neon sign, one with the silhouette of a nude woman, was hanging on it. He stood there for a while, staring at the door. Then, as if he had just made up his mind on something, entered the place.
Inside was dark and empty. The only source of light were a couple of neon signs hanging on the walls. Julian glanced around the place. There was a bar in the front, a few seats in the center, and some others on the sides. Back at the bottom, there was small stage with a stripping pole in the middle of it. Everything looked old and rusty, like old antiques deteriorated by time.
Julian walked towards the bar and sat on one of the stools. He took a package of Marlboro Red from his pocket and lit a cigarette up. Without knowing what else to do, he focused his eyes on the stage, smoking his cigarette and waiting for someone to come.
After staring at it for a while, he realized that there was someone lying on it. He hesitated a little bit, but then crushed his cigarette in an ashtray, and slowly made his way to the stage. Once he reached a reasonable distance, he narrowed his eyes and he examined the person. It was a girl. She was lying still, with her back to the absent audience. She was wearing a black bikini, and the upper part of her body was being covered by a black jacket. He stood there, staring at her as if he were in a trance for a minute or two.
"Hello?" Julian called out after a moment. His voice didn't sound has his own.
A silence passed. The only thing that he could hear was the sound of his own breathing. He never imagined that a drinking spot could be that silent.
"Sorry, there are no more shows," the girl suddenly said, without moving from her lying position.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/5747. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
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I find it interesting and intriguing, I want to know more. However, what stroke me the most is the absence of important details.
- He enters the strip club, no mention about the presence or absence of a doorman.
- He sits at the bar, no mention about the presence or absence of a barmaid.
- Is the fog unusual? We don't know.
To answer the question, is it dark? Not really. There is nothing scary about walking at night and entering an empty strip club (I do it all the time, lol). We need to know why we should find it dark, try to add more details about the atmosphere.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/31744. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
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It's not particularly dark. There's so much unknown that we don't even know if we're supposed to worry.
A strip club which is so old it feels like it's populated with antiques isn't particularly dark or scary; it means nobody's there, so there are no threats. It also doesn't imply that everyone disappeared or dropped dead abruptly (which would at least be a mystery).
If you want it to be smoother and more interesting, "slow down" is definitely good advice. You're hurrying us along to the club. "After walking for a while:" well, what does he see? Where is he? Big city, small city, state, country, continent? Are there other people? Other sounds? Cars? Age, make, model, condition? What are the buildings like? What kind (houses, apartments, stores, warehouses, crack dens, empty lots, gardens, museums)? What does the air smell like? Is he near the ocean, a lake, the mountains, an industrial park? Is it summer or winter?
If you want to intrigue the reader, give us something to be intrigued about.
(And, as always, I must compliment you on working so damn hard in what is not your native language.)
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