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How can I make a person sound sick?

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How do you distort words into sounding sick, as in with the cold? I want it to be a really comical scene, but I'm not sure how to write it. Do I replace some letters with others or remove certain consonants?

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This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/9897. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.

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Many children's books have scenes where a character talks with an obstructed nose (e.g. head in bucket). Usually what they do is a combination of:

  • k, p, t => g, b, d
  • n => ng/g
  • m, v/f => b

This works well only if you restrict this to a sentence or two. Then it is funny. Otherwise it becomes tiresome to the reader.

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  1. Find a recording device.
  2. Press record.
  3. Hold your nose tightly.
  4. Speak your dialogue. Add coughing, wheezing, and other effects as appropriate.
  5. Press stop.
  6. Press play.
  7. Transcribe.
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