What revisions for this draft would be more readable and/or more humorous?

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Notes:

My audience knows that adrenaline and epinephrine are synonyms.
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Draft:

Excerpt from The Mechanic

In the roles of cooperating hitmen, Ben Foster and Jason Statham plan an assassination attempt. They finish each other’s sentences, amplifying a sense of magnitude, gravity, and confidence.

[Ben Foster] Adrenaline shot to the heart. 12cc and he’s dead in under three minutes.
[Jason Statham] Adrenaline’s unreliable. It may only force him into cardiac arrest.
[B Foster] But when the EMTs arrive, the first thing they do is jam you with a shot of epinephrine...
[J Statham] Which is toxic when combined with...
[B Foster] Adrenaline.
[J Statham] So on the off chance our adrenaline shot doesn’t kill him...
[B Foster] The EMTs will.

style humor

posted over 13 years ago

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Because I find your dialogue interesting as it is, I tried to approach it from the other end and create something different. It's a fun exercise :)

I started my thought process on an idea to differentiate the characters - both of them are killers but the similarities should stop here. After a few minutes of YouTube research I depicted my impressions on the two actors.

Ben Foster's character would more of a maniacal/psycho, a person who rushes without thinking, ruthless and with eccentric, maybe a little crazy, ideas. This would contrast well with odd-calculating, experienced Jason Statham. Ben's carefree attitude would also throw Jason off at times.

Back to the dialogue. With these in mind, I wrote this concept:

BF: Blow his heart with adrenaline. 12cc and he's pretty much dead right on the spot.
JS: Listen. I won't go inside with a probability of leaving him alive. It's not in my style.
BF: But right after the EMTs have arrived, they find your heart going to break[1]. What's the first thing they do?
JS: An epinephrine injection.
BS: So basically, even if this syringe fails to kill him...
JS: They will finish the job.

[1] this one is a bit screwed. I haven't found anything better with simple, yet strong meaning.

posted over 13 years ago

CC BY-SA 3.0