What revisions for this draft would be more readable and/or more humorous?
Notes:
- My audience knows that adrenaline and epinephrine are synonyms.
- I'm new! I'm sorry if I abuse the site by posting this!
- Please critique ruthlessly.
- I would send by Facebook message to a girl I know, who's having a bad year.
Draft:
Excerpt from The Mechanic
In the roles of cooperating hitmen, Ben Foster and Jason Statham plan an assassination attempt. They finish each other’s sentences, amplifying a sense of magnitude, gravity, and confidence.
- [Ben Foster] Adrenaline shot to the heart. 12cc and he’s dead in under three minutes.
- [Jason Statham] Adrenaline’s unreliable. It may only force him into cardiac arrest.
- [B Foster] But when the EMTs arrive, the first thing they do is jam you with a shot of epinephrine...
- [J Statham] Which is toxic when combined with...
- [B Foster] Adrenaline.
- [J Statham] So on the off chance our adrenaline shot doesn’t kill him...
- [B Foster] The EMTs will.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/1709. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
2 answers
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The only thing I can see in this brief exchange to fix is:
Line 2: Eh, adrenaline's unreliable. Might only give 'im a heart attack.
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Because I find your dialogue interesting as it is, I tried to approach it from the other end and create something different. It's a fun exercise :)
I started my thought process on an idea to differentiate the characters - both of them are killers but the similarities should stop here. After a few minutes of YouTube research I depicted my impressions on the two actors.
Ben Foster's character would more of a maniacal/psycho, a person who rushes without thinking, ruthless and with eccentric, maybe a little crazy, ideas. This would contrast well with odd-calculating, experienced Jason Statham. Ben's carefree attitude would also throw Jason off at times.
Back to the dialogue. With these in mind, I wrote this concept:
- BF: Blow his heart with adrenaline. 12cc and he's pretty much dead right on the spot.
- JS: Listen. I won't go inside with a probability of leaving him alive. It's not in my style.
- BF: But right after the EMTs have arrived, they find your heart going to break[1]. What's the first thing they do?
- JS: An epinephrine injection.
- BS: So basically, even if this syringe fails to kill him...
- JS: They will finish the job.
[1] this one is a bit screwed. I haven't found anything better with simple, yet strong meaning.
This post was sourced from https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/1711. It is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.
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