Is my story pacing too fast?

Several comments, in no particular order:

1) Sometimes the problem with pacing is in the transitions from scene to scene and not in the actual pace of the action. A few extra words at each transition might make a world of difference.

2) Read your chapter out loud to people. That really forces you to experience the work in a different way and often highlights problems that are easy to gloss over when you're reading it.

3) Get opinions from more people.

4) That's a heck of a lot of stuff happening in a space that isn't even as long as a short story. It is possible to pull it off but it won't be easy.

posted about 6 years ago

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Cyn‭

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From the way you're telling it, I'd point my fingers against the time-skips. Apart from the necessary time-skip when the MC is unconscious (and you could fill it up with descriptions, dreams or maybe far-off memories) any other time skip is essentialy reducing word count, making the story seem shorter, and make the two traumatic events closer together.

What that person meant with "escalated too fast for me to comprehend" is that your reader doens't have the time to deal with the MC falling unconscious before the car crash.

The first chapter is often used to introduce the characters and the setting to the reader; you have to do this while dealing with two sudden incidents.

My suggestion is actually write something in those time skips. For example, about the MC falling uncoscious:

Alice felt her body grow heavy and her knees bend. She heard the low thud of an heavy object hitting the carpet of her boss office - part of her mind realized it was the sound made by her own body, falling. But her mind was distant, blank, and her vision blurred to darkness.

She dreamt of being in a back in fifth grade, her sudden sleep only somewhat troubled by excited voices around her, and then silence <whatever you'd like to insert here> when she wok up, she was surrounded by white hospital walls.

The same can be done for other time skips, too. When she wakes, the reader will expect some space to breathe. Show her talking to her boss and make the situation between the two straight. If she gets dismissed from the hospital, describe the whole scene. Throw in a dialogue or two with doctors and nurses. I know those things can be boring to write, since they are not the focus of the story, but they add realism and they will make your reader acclimate. Remember, you want to avoid the feeling that your story may seem like a check-list of events.

You can absolutely deal with both the car crash and the fainting in two chapters, you just have to be smoother on the edges.

posted about 6 years ago

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Liquid‭

770 reputation 44 140 116 3

My impression is that you've got so much going on in so few words, that you never really allow the reader to settle down and experience a scene, understand what's going on, go through your character's thoughts and feelings. Every one of the events you describe should have some sort of buildup, and some sort of resolution. What you have instead, as I understand it is "she's going to have an argument with her boss. BAM! She's unconscious and taken to a hospital. BAM! Boss is with her in the hospital and asks her out. BAM! Car accident."

Let's develop this further:

• Your MC - who is she? What kind of person is she? Where does she work? What kind of position does she hold? How proficient is she? Does she generally like her work? Does she get along with her co-workers? How does she get along with her boss? How does she feel about him? That argument - is it about something he has done? Something he has not done? Something he's been doing or not doing continuously? How does she feel about having an argument with her boss - fearful for her position? Burning with justified rage and ready to climb barricades? Sad that she must disagree with a good man? What kind of man is the boss anyway?
• The collapse: what causes the MC to lose consciousness? Is she ill? Not feeling well that day? Gave blood that morning? Are there any warning signs, (that maybe she ignores,) or does she just collapse?
• Hospital: MC's emotions upon waking up there? Diagnosis? Tests? How does she feel about her boss being there? How does she feel about him being the one who's there? Why is he the one who's there? Why not family or a friend?
• Restaurant: so have they resolved the issue they've been supposed to argue about before? How does she feel about sitting in his car?

Do you really resolve all this ebb and flow of things in just 3000 words? Events that are emotionally complex - you must linger on them, enough for the reader to understand them. If readers are saying that things are escalating too fast, it must be that you're not leaving time for processing. They've just started to understand what's going on in one scene, and you're already in the next one. No buildup, no resolution.

If you'd like to do things differently but are constrained by wordcount, why not find another place to publish - a place where you can do your story justice?

posted about 6 years ago

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Galastel‭

1885 reputation 81 551 319 3

Every writer strives to make readers to feel the universe depicted in the story or writing.

MC going to her boss(action) - confront(emotion)- collapses(incident)- taken to the hospital(action) -boss waiting for her(action)- MC wakes up(action) - ride being offered by the boss(action) - car crash(incident)

if you see there are too many actions & incidents in a short span of time & too little emotions for someone to empathize. Now coming back to your case, as you suggested there were 3000 words & if I assume average 12 words a sentence, there will be approx 250 lines which I feel are pretty much to describe your story which you've summarized. But from the feedback you got, there is a little possibility that in your 250 sentences, there might be too much information regarding action / incidents but little room for emotions for someone to put oneself in the character.

posted about 6 years ago

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Ruchit Dalwadi‭

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You Jump In The Deep End Too Quick. Your Story Structure is Off.

I'm pretty sure your story is "rushed" because you did not spend enough time in the setup. At 3000 words, I don't think that is possible. You say your story begins:

MC heads off to work to confront her boss about something; MC collapses and is taken to the hospital,

You have tried to begin the story with the inciting incident; having to confront her boss about something (which I presume leads to her collapse: If the confrontation does NOT lead to the collapse, that is a story flaw and broken linkage; because she could have just gone to work normally and collapsed, and the whole "confrontation" thing was a red herring).

Good stories do not begin that way, not even short stories. They begin in the MC's normal world, so the reader gets to know them, BEFORE the inciting incident forces them OUT of their normal world to deal with a problem.

This is part of the Three Act Structure (3AS). Note this was not invented, it was derived from the analysis of many thousands of popular stories, the analysis discovered that popular stories tend to follow this template fairly closely. Emulating it will help. The "Hero's Journey" was also derived from legends and myths that have stood the test of popularity through centuries, but I consider it a specialized (and more detailed) subset of the 3AS, not an alternative. There are others like that, Shakespeare's Five Act Structure is an example.

I prefer to divide these into [Act I, Act IIa, Act IIb, Act III], they are all approximately equal in length, 25% of the total story -- But give or take 10%, depending on your needs; i.e. none of these four pieces should be less than 15% of the total, or more than 35% of the total. A story with a large cast of characters might demand a longer Act I to naturally introduce them all. (Although a story like Ocean's 11 spends a long time introducing Clooney and Pitt, then introduces the other eleven main characters (including the villain and love interest) in fairly short vignettes).

For a given word count (and it sounds like you have one in mind), the "inciting incident" (also known as the "call to action") occurs in the middle of Act I. That is at the 12.5% mark in the story. The MC should leave her "normal world" at the end of Act I (25% mark). To me, that is with your car crash.

Which means nothing very important happens in that first 12.5%, the reader is being introduced to the MC (and perhaps supporting characters), the world, her normal life, and getting to know her.

In order for readers to sympathize with her, you need to give her some problem, something she cares about. This can be a "throwaway" problem, meaning it doesn't have to influence the plot (better if you can think of a problem that does), but it exists to show us something about the MC's character and abilities. For example, she wakes up late for work because there was a power failure while she slept, and she also has to get ready for work by the light of her phone without electricity.

Or her car won't start, and she has to call a cab. Or any number of other minor problems we all have with day to day life. In the first 12.5%, you still need conflicts to pull the reader along to the inciting incident, but these early conflicts are of a special type, they are only there to shine light on your MC from different angles, for the reader. To make them see her true self and like her, so they care about her later when she is in danger, collapses and gets in a car crash.

Because of this different flavor, these early conflicts can be throwaways, or humorous, and are seldom life threatening or dire. For example, accidentally burning your breakfast because you are distracted by dramatic news on your phone (news that might be indirectly connected to your plot).

Again, the 3AS is not some law passed that for some reason all readers from 2 to 102 have agreed to follow, by refusing to like books that do not follow it.

The 3AS is science, the result of distilling stories readers already love and figuring out the pacing those stories have in common. That is the 3AS, and indeed, if you follow it, your pacing will work out, and when you don't, people think your story needs work. They may not be educated in literary science, but what they feel naturally a story needs is missing. That is what your friend is telling you with "it's rushed", that you did not spend enough time making them care about your character before you dropped her in the river. That they are not sure yet if they even like her, or should root for her, and they have a need to like her and you have a responsibility to show them she is likable. She's feeding a stray cat, she helps out her neighbor, something that makes her human. Use your imagination. Compress or cut down some other part of the story, you truly must begin your story in her Normal World and let us find an MC we like there, before your inciting incident. If Act I is only 15% of the story (IMO the bare minimum), then 7.5% of the story must be her Normal World.

posted about 6 years ago

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Amadeus‭

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